im about as happy as oj after his trial
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize