I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
