i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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