my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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