Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
