Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
