Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
