I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
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