Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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