the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
