Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
