I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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