make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
