The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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