If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
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