Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
