I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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