he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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