Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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