So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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