you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
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