your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
