I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Randomize