I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize