Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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