I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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