oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
i drank out of a bidet.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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