My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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