Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
