What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
