Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
So much rum. So many feels.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
