ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
