Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
