You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
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