she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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