I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
