Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
