Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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