His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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