I wish you could order shots online.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
