It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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