Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Randomize
