I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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