if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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