Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
The uberlube is also flammable
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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