Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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