i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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