So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
