i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
