The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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