dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
