if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
