I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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