Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
