I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
