also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
