so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Randomize