i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
