Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
