Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
