I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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