shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
